Dry Your Eyes
November 05, 2004 + 5:17 p.m.
Sometimes it's hard to get away from things that you wish you didn't have to see. It's like these petty occurances are just there to haunt you and make you wish you were dead, or at the very least, miles and miles away. Then there are times where you know how much something is bad for you, yet you just keep taking it in. Taking so much in that theres no way of going back. So you end up hurt. It's karma, if you don't have the will to control yourself, why should fate favor you?
"I think to myself, what a wonderful world.."
Today Ms. Kramer asked if we were optimists or pessimists. My hand shot up when she told those who were optimists to raise their hand. I can't help but always think there are slight chances where things would work for the better: like when I thought there was a slight chance Fremont wouldn't kick my butt for the third time in a row; when I thought there might be a chance that my flight back home from Australia wouldn't be delayed; when I thought there'd be that chance that when I came back from Australia, someone would actually be waiting for me; when I thought studying for hours straight, might just earn me an A on the APUSH test; when I thought that Kerry would actually win the election and I wouldn't have to watch for another 4 years as the country split in two; when I thought I had a chance to get that webmaster position on DC...
I've had my share of bad luck. And now, I think that maybe, just maybe, he feels the same. But who am I to think anything of it when time and time again, my chances have wasted away. I'm not saying I'm giving up on hope altogether, I just really don't understand how this is fair. Haven't I already lost enough?
Man, I hate to say it, and I wish I didn't have to because it completely goes against what I have grouwn up to think, but life is absolutely sucking right now. I love life, I love being able to work for things, make things happen, and see myself and the people I love happy. But right now, everything I work for, all my efforts, don't seem to go anywhere. I've become but a footnote to a ten page essay. I can't seem to be happy for those happy around me because it hurts. They don't know it, and I don't want them to. But to see everything I have sacraficed and everything I've given up on, benefit another, it's not the same.
"You always try to make people happy."
How many times have I been told that? It doesn't seem like such a bad thing right? But you read it again and realize, well, who's making you happy? No one, because they are all getting what they want because they don't easily give what they want up. They don't try to make everyone happy. They don't let opportunities slip by. I do. I hate that I do.
Perhaps it's because I haven't wanted anything enough yet. Oh that'll be the day where I have the courage and enough selfishness to take something away from another...
I woke up early this morning to study for history. I've reached a conclusion that no matter how much I want it, no matter how hard I try, I'll never do as well as I want to in that class. I got my test back and oh, big surprise, another D. Okay I swear I could find another entry just like this. I spend hours and hours laboring over this stuff. Like I did at 6:30 in the morning today. I study like crazy, and spend hours, days even, doing my outlines, and read the chapters at least twice. Others spend less than an hour outlining, don't read the chapter at all, and they do better than I do. What is this?? Someone tell me why I do no better than someone who doesn't give any effort at all, while I'm studying like a mad man reading and taking notes? It's the luck of the Irish and I obviously don't have it.
So after taking the test we had today, realizing I did just as shitty as I did the last time, I cried and cried and bawled until 10 minutes into 3rd period. Giving up on trying to understand Mr. Cox's gibberish, I just sit there and sulk some more. Brunch comes by and I just rant and cry again and come into third period with a really sick, tired, aching mentality. I listen to Ms. Kramer rant some more about how stupid we are to elect Bush again. I'm honestly tired of it, I mean, sure I would've chosen Kerry over Bush any day, but what's done is done and we can't change anything so might as well make the most of it.
My head felt like it was getting stretched to the corner of the Earth, while my runny nose left me wishing I could just lie on the floor and sleep. No matter how much I try to deny it, I was sick. So by lunch, I give up trying to think I could get through the day and I had just so happened to leave my tennis jersey and my outline at home and my dad brought it to me during lunch. He brought me home and I laid on my mother's bed for hours watching clips from Passions, Days of Our Lives, The Ninth Gate (with Johnny Depp), and Hannibal.
I fell asleep for a while and now I am here. Here wishing that I didn't feel like so crappy, and wishing that I could be in Australia, enjoying their beautiful spring weather.
I love this song.
"In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
Dry your eyes mate
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over"
- THE STREETS: dry your eyes