someone out there hates me
October 15, 2005 + 12:15 a.m.
fair warning. this is verging on the private entry. if you don't want to hear my rant, i suggest you just.. click that lovely x.
i may not always love you
but long as there are stars above you
you'll never need to doubt it
i'll make you so sure about it
I love that song so much. I can't wait until I can play Christmas songs all day and night. I usually start playing them when it's Halloween. :D
Anyways. The week is finally freaking over. It was very bad indeed. I screwed up my math test, and I've realized that I'm really really sucking in all my classes. Regina and I lost our last 3 matches. We're on a losing streak. Sucks major arse.
Sprit Week was this week. I dressed up for everything, I'm proud to say. But the seniors still lost. Wtf? And why do all the juniors get everything? Because the admins hate the seniors. Cheaters. Winning both court is not cool at all. It's our last fckign year in fcking high school, give us a LITTLE to leave with for good freaking ness sake.
I felt really freaking left out and excluded today. Not like that's news though.
I'm sick of school and everything that goes with it. I'm sick of trying to make people happy and being that girl who's just there to be taken advantaged of. I can't wait until tennis ends. I can't wait until our next school holiday. I can't wait until college apps are done with. I can't wait until I get accepted into college. I can't wait until I walk down that freaking aisle in June next year and kiss high school goodbye forever.
I'm not exactly in the best mood. And I think I have reason to not be my usual bored, happy self. Everything just seems to suck right now.
My grades suck. My workload is enormous. My tennis isn't as well as I think it should be. I get 6 hours of sleep max everyday. I have to work. My chances of going where I want for college are pretty much gone, or were never there at all. My sister is still gone. My parents find some way to make me feel guilty about going far away for school everyday. I just never have a good day anymore.
It's really hard to keep biting my tongue to stop myself from crying. Two days in a row and my tongue starts to hurt. I never tried to hold it in. But now I'm starting to realize it's not worth it. I don't need what I want. If I don't get the most simplest of things, a simple hi from a friend, fine, someone up there just doesn't want me to. But all these things start to just pile up. And when one thing gets me upset, I just start thinking of everything. I have these mini mental breakdowns. Like yesterday at practice, I was in so much gosh damn pain, I just started to cry, and after starting, I just couldn't stop because I had such a bad day already.
Damn high school.
"What's wrong?"
*long silence*
"Nevermind, you don't have to tell me. I already know."
God only know what I'd be without you.. <3 you hun.